Though he routinely separates his trash into paper, glass, and general waste, the 34-year-old - reportedly overwhelmed by last month's Thanksgiving - admits that he may have
Showing posts with label weather. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weather. Show all posts
Unseasonably Warm Weather A Reminder That Local Man Didn't Recycle Bottles Last Month
Though he routinely separates his trash into paper, glass, and general waste, the 34-year-old - reportedly overwhelmed by last month's Thanksgiving - admits that he may have
Obituary - Matthew Fox
Matthew D. Fox, 45, died October 30 in Indianapolis, making him the only fatality related to Hurricane Sandy to take place in Indiana. Fox, an amateur weather enthusiast, stayed home to ride out the moderate wind and light rain the massive storm pushed through our area, even as many Hoosiers left their homes behind to go to work and otherwise attend to their daily routines. "He'd always wanted to go through a big storm like that," reported Fox's widow Margaret, 43. "But he hated to travel. So when he heard about how big this storm was, he thought maybe this was his chance. He boarded up our windows and stockpiled supplies. He sent the kids and me to my mother's in Colorado. He was so excited. When he saw how little we were getting, though, he called me to tell me that he was going to go down to the White River to watch the storm surge come in." Police suspect that Fox may have become dismayed at the lack of any appreciable flooding, gotten too close to the bank, and fallen into the river. The slow-moving, non-swollen river carried Fox's body only a short distance before washing it ashore, where police struggled against the mild annoyance of stiff breezes and chilly drizzle to recover it.
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More Weather Stories | More Obituaries | Go To The Front Page
Report: Hard To Tell If Brooklyn Battered By Hurricane
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NEW YORK CITY, NY - According to hundreds of eye-witnesses in New York Monday, the borough of Brooklyn "may or may not" have been affected by the onslaught of Hurricane Sandy, with one onlooker insisting: "it's honestly hard to tell". Though it would appear that the area has been devastated by widespread flooding, people on the ground said that the destruction being seen in places such as Lower Manhattan was "perfectly normal" in places like Bushwick and Bed-Stuy. Surveying the perceived damage in Brownsville, Brooklyn, a confused New York Governor Andrew Cuomo reportedly turned to advisers and asked: "does Brooklyn always look this awful? Why haven't we done anything about this mess before now?"
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God Puts Global Warming on Hold for A Few Days
Eager to continue the mild fall-winter transition that Hoosiers saw in 2011, The Almighty said that residents in Indiana could expect to see no more than fourteen days of decreased temperatures, insisting that global warming will recommence in earnest on or around October 20.
"I'm just tweaking the climate a little at the minute," said God. "I've heard a lot of people complaining about the cold recently, but let me assure everyone that temperatures will return to an unseasonably high level in a couple of weeks."
"I just need everyone to be patient while I get this stuff done."
Meanwhile, it was reported Monday that ice sheets covering 660,000 square miles of Greenland have temporarily ceased melting as a result of God's handiwork.
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Bunch of Big Ass Wind Turbines Appear The Heck Out of Nowhere
It'll Take More Than A Lousy Thunderstorm to Stop Local Man Making The Stupid Decision to Go Walking During A Thunderstorm
Heading out to a grocery store in downtown Indianapolis Monday, Caskey was seen gesticulating upward to the gloomy skies, while crying out: "is this the best you can do?"
"Come on! You can do better than this! Show me your wrath!"
Seemingly unconcerned by the imminence of fork lightning and unsettling rumbles of thunder, the 28-year-old made it known that just because some cock-sucking storm decided to shit down on Indiana, doesn't mean he's not going to carry out the foolhardy and truly idiotic plan of marching straight into the eye of the storm.
"Seriously! Is this all ya got?," shouted the reckless imbecile, as rush hour traffic passed by. "I cause more of a rumble every time I take a dump! Come on, take me!"
Eventually surviving the onslaught of rain and lightning, Caskey is believed to have arrived home some time in the evening, whereupon the dumbass developed a really awful cold.
Image credit: Flickr, ismael villafranco
God Apologizes to Florida: Storm Debby Actually Intended for New Orleans
Laurence Brown | Monday, June 25, 2012 |
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Blaming the error on poor internal administration, God insisted that the devastation caused across much of Florida was not a reflection of his feelings toward the state or its people, and assured Floridians that Storm Debby would soon move on to the south coast of Louisiana "where it will hopefully cause unimaginable death and destruction."
"All right, I admit it - I messed up," He said, gazing omnipotently down at The Gulf Coast. "I mean, nobody's perfect, right? I really didn't think you guys would experience more than a light drizzle if I'm honest. Please don't take this personally. I assure you that there was no malice intended. In fact, I was reserving that for the evil heretics who bear their breasts at Mardi Gras."
The geographical misjudgment comes some 7 years after Hurricane Katrina successfully ravaged what God refers to as "the city of sinners", while the BP oil spill of 2010 severely impaired the city's "crappy little fishing industry."
"After the successes of the past few years, I really just wanted to finish off that abomination of a city once and for all," He continued. "Hopefully once the storm passes Florida, my plans will still come to fruition."
Meanwhile, asked to expand upon speculation that the 2011 Japanese tsunami was itself meant as a catastrophic attack on New Orleans, God was unequivocal in His response: "Good Heavens, no," He said. "I just don't like yellow people."
Snow Storm 'Set to Bury Hundreds of Other News Stories'
Production teams are on standby in news rooms across the state of Indiana, as the heavy snow fall continues to bury stories that would - under any other circumstance - become prime time talking points on the nighttime news.
Early indications suggest that several emerging crime-related stories are thought to be missing as a result of the snow, while broadcasts pertaining to controversial smoking ban legislation were found buried on page 14 of the Indy Star this morning.
"It's really nasty out there," observed Channel 13 meteorologist Debra Caldwell. "Already, we've seen dozens of stories about the groundbreaking discovery of three earth-like planets inside our own galaxy reduced to a brief mention on the lunchtime news."
"Potential feature stories on the plight of the polar bear were also cast aside by the torrential onslaught of snow stories."
Meanwhile, a weather advisory has been issued, warning all pertinent news items to stay in doors until reports on the snow have cleared.
Image credit: fair use.
Global Warming Producing Some Really Fucking Awesome Weather
Fears over increasing sea-levels, ferocious natural disasters and far-reaching droughts were cast aside this afternoon as Hoosiers enjoyed a comfortable 62 degrees - unseasonably high for early January.
"I'm absolutely loving all this fucking beautiful sunshine," said Indianapolis resident Grant Hoburn. "Normally at this time of year I'd be up to my knees in shitty ass snow, but now it's getting to where I can go outside in a t-shirt; a fucking t-shirt! If this is that thing they call climate change, I honestly don't see the big fucking deal."
The mere notion that an evolving climate might one day precede the largest food shortage in human history, devastate the African continent and cause unimaginable natural carnage across the globe was duly forgotten by the hundreds of people casually walking dogs in White River State Park this afternoon.
"I just cannot fucking believe it," smiled 24-year-old Michaela Dennison, seemingly displaying no interest in the debate over whether global warming is natural or man-made. "Here we are in winter and it's fucking gorgeous outside. It's just totally awesome."
Meanwhile, though most Hoosiers are embracing the fucking marvelous weather for what it is, climate analysts believe that come July most people will find temperatures of 109 degrees utterly intolerable.
Image credit: koadmunkee. Creative commons.
Flood Warnings Issued After God Knocks Back 8 Cans of Miller Lite
According to heavenly sources, God - hosting a gathering of elite deities - knocked back eight cans of Miller Lite, as well as three glasses of complementary wine in a night of uncharacteristic abandon.
"It was crazy," said Vishnu, the Hindu God. "I'm pretty sure that at one point He had three drinks in His hand. He was already wasted by 8 o'clock."
With God expected to wake up later this afternoon, the state of Indiana is bracing itself for its worst rainfall in 50 years, prompting fears of mass flooding across the predominantly flat state.
Meanwhile, speculation is mounting over the reasons for God's recent behavior, with many fearing that the global economic crisis and ongoing conflicts around the world are beginning to take their toll on His Lordship.
In any event, several states across the Midwest have preemptively declared a state of emergency after rumors emerged early this morning that God had also consumed six White Castle "crave cases" during a momentary bout of late night hunger.
Tornado Causes Widespread Improvement Across Central Indiana
A level-3 warning was issued on Monday ahead of projected storms and wind gusts across parts of Indiana, with the towns of New Castle, Anderson and Daleville benefiting most from the disaster.
"When I saw this great big tornado hurling toward us, I was petrified," said mother of three Kanesha Jones. "But when I noticed the improvements it had made to my front porch, I got down on my knees and thanked the Lord."
"Now, my house is only slightly lopsided," she continued.
Meanwhile, the tornado, which also made its way into eastern Ohio, is believed to have completely destroyed dozens of unsightly, disrepaired barns across the Hoosier State, and has "added character" to hundreds of dilapidated houses.
"We are just thankful that the twister didn't strike anywhere of note, such as Indianapolis," said Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels. "From what I've seen in the news, it looks like I won't have to issue as many state funds toward housing development as I first thought."
Image credit: creative commons. INOFBCI.
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