Body of Hugo Chavez to See Out Fourth Presidential Term

CARACAS - Aides of the late Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez have confirmed that the 58-year-old's body will still honor the fourth term it was elected to serve back in October.

Mr. Chavez, who had ruled over the Venezuelan people since 1999, succumbed to a long battle with cancer Tuesday, prompting fears of widespread chaos in the capital of Caracas.

Ahmadinejad Denies Plan to Enrich Iranians

TEHRAN - Iran's controversial president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has denied allegations that his regime is planning to enrich Iranians.

Speaking in Tehran this morning the isolationist president said that these new claims are the result of "Western propaganda" aimed at politically discrediting his administration.

"Let me make one thing absolutely clear to the United States of America," he said. "We halted our Iranian enrichment program way back in 2005, just after I was first elected. My regime is not enriching Iranians. End of story."

Since alleged corruption during the country's 2009 election, the United Nations has been keeping a close eye on activity coming out of Iran; threatening the Persian country with further sanctions if it fails to halt its development of life quality.

But Ahmadinejad, who was re-elected in a "landslide victory" 3 years ago, was defiant today before a delegation of political opponents.

"We are trying to downgrade our people, not develop them", he said. "I didn't silence the opposition and have protesters arrested for nothing, you know".

Despite his firm rhetoric, however, Ahmadinejad conceded that enrichment might be extended to oil executives and Ayatollahs, but reiterated that it would not be used to develop the welfare of the general public.

Meanwhile, Ahmadinejad's latest denial comes after claims in the Western media that his country is seeking to build an arsenal of nuclear families.

Image credit: Daniella Zalcman

Greek Economic Collapse Could Have Knock-On Effect for Other Not-America Countries

ATHENS, GREECE - As votes continue to be counted in the Greek general election, worries continue to mount that the fallout from the country's potential economic collapse could have a knock-on effect for many other not-America countries.

Should Greece fail to meet the terms of its $130 billion bailout program, then the nation of Italy, which is not the United States of America, could suffer huge financial depression.

"We have been monitoring the situation in Greece closely", said Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke. "If  the European Central Bank is forced to cut off funding to the Greeks - and by the Greeks I mean not the Americans - then the not-American nations of Italy and Spain could suffer further debt and possibly a complete collapse of their economies."

"From there, the wider global community of not-American nations could fall into a global depression the likes of which we have never seen."

The Eurozone - a fiscal region of not-America countries that have adopted the not-America currency of the Euro - are working around the clock to stave off economic meltdown across the European Union, a collective region of not-America nations.

Meanwhile, several experts believe that a worldwide depression, which would likely affect not-America Asian markets, could eventually pull The United States down into a financial abyss.

However, until a scenario involving the U.S. occurs, it is believed that the majority of Americans are set to go about their business, letting those itty bitty countries over in, like wherever it is, fight it out until there's a winner.

Image credit: Flickr. PIAZZA del POPOLO. Creative Commons.

Prince Charles Concedes Queen Never Ever Going to Die

LONDON - Amid celebrations for Queen Elizabeth II's Diamond Jubilee, heir apparent Prince Charles has finally conceded that the ruling British monarch is just never, ever going to bloody die.

Image Credit: VitVit. Creative Commons.

Attending the weekend's festivities - which mark 60 years since the Queen took to the throne upon the death of her father, George VI - Charles cut a forlorn figure, as it slowly dawned on him that he will, in all likelihood, never get to be king.

Appearing "extremely pensive" as a 41- gun salute rang out across the Tower of London, the Prince of Wales reportedly told dignitaries "he was done with all this shit" and exited the proceedings shortly after.

"We were very taken aback," said palace aid, Sir Hugh Pearson. "All morning long, the Prince seemed utterly dejected about something. As he was boarding his carriage, I believe I heard him whisper something about how "that damn woman is indestructible", or something to that effect."

It is not known whether Charles will return for the remaining three days of festivities, however, according to a Royal spokesman, the Prince was seen "manically chopping logs" on the grounds of Clarence House Saturday afternoon.

"It was really weird. He just kept laying into that wood and crying out "well, I don't want to be king anyway!" A couple of us had to put a stop to it in the end."

Meanwhile, Charles's son William - himself second in line to the throne - conceded Saturday that "the Queen might just sodding outlive us all."

Synchronized Suicide Attacks were Actually a 'Botched Flash Mob'

BAGHDAD - The Pentagon has learned that an April 18 synchronized suicide attack on a marketplace in central Baghdad was the result of a botched flash mob, thought to have been organized by a group of prankster insurgents.

According to intelligence reports, the attack, which killed 44 people and injured 16 more, was originally devised as a seemingly spontaneous and large-scale rendition of U2's Sweetest Thing. However, pyrotechnic equipment - specifically designed for the flash mob's intended crescendo - was "accidentally wired with explosives."

"It looked, at first, as if we were dealing with another heinous attack on Iraqi civilians," said U.S. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta. "But it would appear that those who carried out these supposed attacks were in fact second-year performing arts students looking to gain extra credit. It's... it's an awful tragedy in hindsight."

Among those killed in the flash mob, which students from Baghdad University had been "valiantly rehearsing for over four weeks", was Ali al-Mahadar, a 19-year-old cello player who was set to perform a serene instrumental version of the 1998 worldwide hit.

However, just seconds after completing what military personnel now believe to have been a routine tune-up, al-Mahadar's body parts were blown clean off, killing several civilians within his vicinity.

Meanwhile, an investigation is underway to determine what caused the explosives to detonate, ruining what many experts believe would have been the most exciting street performance in Iraqi history.

Declassified Letters Reveal Bin Laden A Truly Beautiful, Gifted Writer

WASHINGTON D.C. - A collection of declassified letters written by the late al Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden, has revealed that the mastermind behind the September 11 attacks was a surprisingly beautiful and disciplined writer.

Image credit: U.S. Federal Government.

According to researchers at the US Military Academy, bin Laden, who was killed in a U.S. operation in Pakistan last May, displayed surprisingly intricate transitional development and advanced grammatical understanding throughout the 175-page cache seized by military forces during the raid on the Abbottabad compound.

"Okay, so he may have been The World's Most Wanted Man and all that, but my God, bin Laden sure could knock out some of the most beautifully crafted phrases you've ever read," said researcher Michael Stafford. "Even when he'd describe something so appalling - like the potential assassination of President Obama - he would incorporate such lovely vocabulary and advanced transitional forms that you'd find yourself kind of routing for the guy. I don't know, it was just sort of cute, that's all."

Bin Laden, who was also wanted by the FBI in connection with the 2000 bombing of the USS Cole, is reported to have penned "pages and pages of spellbinding and utterly gorgeous prose" between 2001 and 2011 - a period that is widely considered to be his most prolific.

"Only bin Laden could describe the Arab Spring Uprising with such delicious turns of phrase," continued Stafford. "When he outwardly praised "the clandestine and strategically harmonized military leadership of Egypt" I honestly wept. Such beauty dripping from the pages. Sublime. And his reference to Colonel Gaddafi as a "bastion of strength during the heartbreaking siege upon the Islamic way of life" just about killed me. Honestly, the guy should have been published in his own lifetime."

Appraisal of bin Laden's writing prowess comes a few years after the terror mastermind was widely praised for his spoken word delivery on various cassette tape releases during the last decade.

Nuclear Armed N. Korea 'Posing Grave Threat to U.S. Hopes of Justifying War with Iran'

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA - As President Obama carried out a diplomatic mission to South Korea Saturday, members of congress issued an ultimatum to North Korea over its prospective weapons program, and warned the international community that a nuclear armed North Korea could pose a grave threat to America's longstanding hopes of justifying a war with Iran.

Having flouted several UN mandates over its nuclear weapons program, North Korea has continued to carry out missile tests, while it is still not clear whether the nation of Iran is aiming to use nuclear generators to strike up an arsenal of its own.

"As long as North Korea, a country that we have no intention of invading, continues to remain open about its weapons testing, not only will this spell problems for neighboring countries, but our bold plans of offering the American people a viable pretext for invading Iran will almost certainly go up in smoke", said Texas Congressman Joe Barton. "It won't help us either that North Korea is itself governed by one of the world's most repressive regimes; one that makes the Ahmedinejad administration look like a bunch of... well, pussies. Let me be clear; North Korea must disarm."

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton echoed the congressman's concerns, saying that North Korea "must de-nuclearize or the US will be forced to take military action off the table with regard to Iran."

"An unstable North Korea - who has carried out documented threats against the south and who is known to harbor nuclear weapons - has the potential to obliterate our hopes of gaining support for an invasion of Iran - a country that, to date, has no nuclear weapons," she said. "North Korea's brutal regime must also make a commitment to change its style of governance or the overthrow of President Ahmedinejad could be blown off the map."

In a related development, Defence Secretary Leon Panetta has said he expects Israel - a key ally to the U.S. - to lead regime change in Tehran once "North Korea finally gets its act together and stops dicking around".

African Dictator Unveils Plan to Combat AIDS Epidemic: 'Let Them All Starve'

HARARE, ZIMBABWE - Following an emergency meeting with senior members of his ZANU PF Party, longtime ruler of Zimbabwe Robert Mugabe unveiled bold new plans Friday to alleviate the country's growing AIDS outbreak, declaring: "they must all starve."

Image Credit: United States Navy. Creative Commons.

Opting to eschew more traditional methods of raising AIDS awareness through community outreach and flyering, Mr Mugabe insisted that AIDS sufferers and people found to be HIV positive should be "cut off from the food chain, so as to reduce our AIDS statistics."

"The mere fact that the AIDS problem is getting worse proves that simple classroom mentoring does not work," said Mugabe. "We need to identify these people and cut off their source of food. Immediately."

A 2010 report on the epidemic found that the African country was experiencing one of the worst AIDS records in the world, with 1 in 10 people said to be suffering from the disease.

"Those kind of figures make our nation look bad," continued Mugabe. "Rather than waiting five to ten years for the AIDS virus to take its toll, we must let them die from severe malnutrition over the course of three weeks."

"I just don't see what the problem is."

Meanwhile, President Mugabe insisted that exceptions would be made for people in the final stages of the virus.

"It would not be right to starve someone who only had two weeks to live," he said, in a rare moment of candor. "I'd have them shot instead."

Super Tuesday ‘Just Another Run-of-the-mill Tuesday’ for Rest of World

WASHINGTON D.C. - As ten states prepare to hold primary elections in the Republican race for the White House on ‘Super Tuesday’, the rest of human civilization is set to endure ‘just a typical, run-of-the-mill Tuesday’, said sources this morning. 

Image credit: Flickr. tinali778. Creative Commons.

While GOP front-runner Mitt Romney prepares to gain a significant lead over party rivals Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul later today, citizens from across the European Union will be sitting down to an evening of television or heading off to bed after a rather ordinary day, which will most likely have been spent slogging away at some okay, but not super, job. 

"As super as this Tuesday will be in the United States," said one spokesman, "our friends over in Belgium, France and Germany are just going to have to put up with a pretty unremarkable Tuesday I'm afraid. Lots of clock-watching, lots of muddling through mindless paperwork; you know, that sort of thing. No presidential ballots for them." 

Barely fortunate enough to even get through a day without dying of starvation or disease, the people of Zimbabwe are expected to experience a somewhat bleak Tuesday, while many in the Democratic Republic of the Congo will likely not have a Tuesday of any kind, even as the people of the United States enjoy an incomparably fantastic Tuesday at the polls. 

"You probably won't see many construction laborers in the city of Mumbai or market traders in Islamabad praising the day of Tuesday," said sources. "To them, it will just be another thankless day of hauling ass under the beating sun for eleven solid hours. But not for voters in Massachussets." 

Super Tuesday will see votes cast in ten primaries and/or caucuses across the United States, with a high number of delegates up for grabs in Georgia, Tennessee and Ohio. According to reports, however, the nation of Bolivia will have no say in the destiny of the White House and, like every other country in South America, will likely endure a pretty sub-standard Tuesday of its own. 

"Look, just take it as read that the entire planet - bar the U.S. - will not have a super time this Tuesday," continued the report. "The outlook for the rest of the world will range from poor to not too bad, but not in any way divine." 

Despite these proclamations, however, it is not yet clear how residents of the 40 other states - those not heading to the polls - will view today as anything other than another piece-of-shit Tuesday.

Syrian President's Approval Rating Plummets to Record Low 112%

DAMASCUS - As bloodshed continues to spread across Damascus and outlying regions of Syria, the country's embattled President Bashar al-Assad has seen his approval rating plummet to a record low of 112% - with thousands more protesters taking to the streets to demonstrate against his regime.

"I am not concerned bout 
arbitrary polls and frivolous 

approval ratings" - al-Assad.

Image courtesy of 
Fabio Rodrigues Pozzebom.

Creative commons. 

The figures come as a heavy blow to President al-Assad, who enjoyed the support of more than 240% of the Syrian electorate - including thousands of deceased voters - at the end of 2010, before political unrest broke out early last year.

"We do not condone the actions of our government," said protester Baltasar Mahmoud, as government security forces continued to clamp down on hundreds of protesters. "We want al-Assad to resign immediately and to stand trial for the atrocities he has unleashed on his people."

According to the figures, announced by Syrian state news Sunday, al-Assad is only popular with just over all of the people of Syria - a relative disaster for a leader who includes votes from inanimate objects, foreign nationals and farmyard animals.

Despite coming under growing pressure, however, al-Assad insists that the figures won't distract him from the job of leading the country.  

"I am not concerned bout arbitrary polls and frivolous approval ratings," he said. "If people have disagreements with my government, we just... well we just shoot them."

Kim Jong-un Declares War On Sun

PYONGYANG - The ‘great successor’ to the leadership of North Korea has announced that his first official act will be to begin military proceedings against the Sun. Less than 24 hours after the death of his father Kim Jong-il was announced, Kim Jong-un has officially set his country’s sights upon “destroying the Sun by any means necessary”.

The short statement, released through North Korean state-controlled media, offers little in the way of rationale or motive for the act, prompting intense speculation from analysts.

Senior CNN political correspondent Bill Schneider has theorised that “What we’re seeing here is basic prison mentality. If you’re a newcomer and you don’t want to be anybody’s bitch, you walk straight up and pick a fight with the biggest guy in the yard. Kim Jong-un has just aimed a bit higher.”

Martin Blake, an independent journalist in Seoul, has offered another theory on his blog South of the Order. Jong-un’s Grandfather Kim Il-sung is recorded in North Korean history books as having been the first man to walk on the surface of the sun, with the official account stating that “he had an unpleasant time there, [which is why] North Korea has never revisited [the Sun]”. Blake suggests that this tale may have seeded a deep-rooted suspicion of the sun amongst the North Korean population.

An emergency assembly of the United Nations Security Council today recommended setting up a de-militarized zone (DMZ) between Mercury and Venus to prevent North Korean forces from progressing towards their target. Upon being informed that there was no reported North Korean activity in the sector, the UN declared a job well done and went home early.

Notably, the White House has yet to issue a statement regarding the situation. President Obama’s silence stands in contrast to the strong opinions of his predecessor. In 2003, George W. Bush declared the Sun to be “a ticking time bomb right at the center of our solar system. [It is] the single largest thermonuclear reactor that US intelligence sources have ever discovered and it’s sitting right on our doorstep.” Bush also added “never trust an opponent you can’t look directly in the eye.”

The North Korean war on the Sun may well be a hastily enacted political gambit for a newly-installed leader, but Kim Jong-un’s actions may unexpectedly serve to test the convictions of a Presidential hopeful in 2012. Michelle Bachmann has previously stated her intent to pick up where Bush had left off, stating in an interview earlier this year that “Obama’s soft when it comes to the Sun because he’s afraid of getting burned. The threat that the Sun presents to us isn’t a matter of if, it’s a mater of when. If I’m elected President, then I’ll take action against the Sun and it won’t keep me up at night.”

Image credit: fair use.

Kim Jong Il Ascends to Beautiful Rainbow Paradise in the Sky

PYONGYANG - Upon his death at the age of 69 Sunday, North Korea's dear leader Kim Jong Il is reported to have ascended to a beautiful rainbow paradise from where he is expected to watch over the Korean people for the remainder of eternity.

It is being widely reported on Korean state television that Kim - the former General Secretary of the Worker's Party of Korea, Chairman of the National Defense Commission and Supreme Commander of the Korean Peoples' Army - was accompanied by five angel-like figures into the magnificent skies above the Earth.

"Your great leader has chosen to end his time here on Earth and has duly risen to a higher plane of existence far up in the clouds," read Mr Kim's eulogy. "As a component of the collective people, you are required to gaze up at the Earth's horizon for five hours of every day to pay undying homage to your dear leader."

"From his golden throne high up on the majestic rainbow, the great one will watch your every move... forever."

There will be a national period of mourning following the official announcement of Mr Kim's virtuous ascendance, with the nation's military set to release two thousand silver doves - each one representing a different star that the dear leader visited during his exulted life time.

Image credit: composite.

Gaddaffi's Death Prompts Instant Peace Across Libya

TRIPOLI - Following the death of Libya's longtime dictator Muammar Gaddafi, lasting, unbridled peace has swept across the entire country, with rebels in Tripoli declaring "everything is fine now!"

As reports of Gaddafi's capture and subsequent killing came flooding in around the world, rebels and loyalists in the country's northern region agreed to an instant ceasefire, with the restoration of all buildings, roads and property taking immediate effect.

"There is no longer anything to worry about, people," said rebel Mohammed al-Waled. "Colonel Gaddafi is dead. You can all go back to your homes now."

Within minutes of the official announcement, a wide sense of Utopian wonder gripped the remaining areas of the once-ravaged country, which saw its water systems, health practices and all-around welfare restored to peak levels this afternoon.

The news has been met with widespread applause around the world, with UN General Secretary Ban Ki Moon insisting: "This is a historic day for the people of Libya. For the first time in its history, the nation is completely disarmed and living in joyous harmony. It is fantastic."

Meanwhile, rebels in Tripoli are set to hold key talks in an effort to establish new leadership in Libya, with the new government widely expected to continue down a path of fair and free democracy from now until the end of time.

Image credit:  شبكة برق | B.R.Q creative commons.