Local Man Not Being Racist, But

ANDERSON - Attempting to deflect any potential accusations that you might subsequently have, Indiana man Adam Herzberger insists that he is not being racist or anything, but.

Image credit: Flickr. iamelliotjames. Creative Commons.

Evidently about to reveal a hitherto undisclosed opinion about the African American residents living on the city's east side, the 21-year-old Anderson native just wants to make it clear to you that, honest to God, he has nothing against black people, it's just... you know?

Going as far as to state that some of his closest high school friends were, in fact, black, Herzberger reiterates that, even though he owns an awesome collection of late nineties Samuel L. Jackson movies, those African Americans down town are kind of... you know what he's saying?

Seemingly of the belief that what he is about to say is totally going to be okay with you, Herzberger nevertheless admits that Dr. Martin Luther King and all of those guys behind the civil rights movement were, like, totally awesome. This notwithstanding, that one family that lives on Dalton Street - you know, the house with the broken windows and the lopsided shed? They're, like... you get his point, right?

While you politely nod and smile, Herzberger proceeds to insist that while blacks have never really given him any trouble or anything like that, there is obviously a correlation between Anderson's crime rate and... he's just saying.

Racist Old Guy Nevertheless Such a Character

DANVILLE - Despite routinely offering up profoundly racist observations and politically incorrect witticisms, Danville senior citizen William B. Livermore is - according to loving members of his immediate family - one of life's characters.

Recalling that one time when her 84-year-old father fell asleep in the front room wearing only his boxers, Livermore's daughter Megan, 49, praised his "goofy sense of humor" and said that occasional derogatory references to the African American community were "just part of who he is."

"There's no one else quite like papa," she said, laughing off what would otherwise be perceived as a horribly insensitive joke about the assassination of Martin Luther King. "He's just a real quirky guy, is my daddy."

Widely adored across family lines for his unwitting bouts of flatulence during family gatherings, Livermore, who firmly believes that American values have irreversibly corroded in the wake of desegregation, reportedly pulls some of the funniest faces you've ever seen.

"Everyone loves Grandpa." said Livermore's eldest grandson Brian, as the old man sang a wholly taboo version of Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe in the background. "He's always doing something totally outrageous, like putting his sweater on back-to-front."

Meanwhile, according to Livermore's sister Sheila, the 84-year-old Korean War veteran is capable of "coming out with some of the funniest doggone stuff known to man" - even if that stuff involves mean-spirited banter about former civil rights activist Rosa Parks.

"He doesn't mean nothing by it," she said, giggling as her brother commenced with the traditional motion of removing his false teeth during dessert. "It's just the Alzheimer's taking its toll."      

Image credit:  Fair use.

Obama Attempts, Fails to Liven Up Press Conference with Really Racist Joke

WASHINGTON - In an attempt to inject some much needed humor into yet another laborious White House press conference Thursday, US President Barack Obama left media officials "in shock" after unexpectedly telling what has been deemed a "highly racist" joke. 

Obama, known for his usual light-hearted banter with the press corps, had spent the latter half of the conference fielding questions on the global economic crisis, Libya and the 2012 U.S. Election. 

However, sensing that his repetitive rhetoric was starting to "lose some of the crowd", Obama stopped, slammed his fist on the podium and declared: "all right, screw this! Who wants to hear something really funny for a change?" 

"Let's forget about the economy for a minute, guys", said Obama. "I've got this one joke that will have you rolling on the floor in tears. Now do you wanna hear it or not?". Fuelled by a lack of response, the President emphatically repeated the question: "I said do you wanna hear it or not?" 

"All right, here goes. Why do blacks get so afraid of having diarrhea?", he asked, pausing for some kind of response. "Because they think they're melting." 

It took Obama roughly twenty seconds to realize that he was the only person in the venue laughing at the joke, while a group of black men on the front row apparently stormed out in protest. 

"Hey come on guys, lighten up. It's just a joke", he continued. "Besides, black jokes aren't racist if a black guy tells them, right?" 

As it became apparent that his joke had horribly backfired, the usually confident president started sub-consciously thumbing through his notes.

Mr Obama has since been advised to restrict his press conference humor to little anecdotes about Republican Presidential debates, as well as "maybe the odd quip about the standard of the White House's catering service".

Image credit: United States Federal Government. Public Domain.