Sanford Neighborhood Watch Amends Constitution

SANFORD, FL: A gated community in Sanford, Florida has today announced that it is updating the constitution of its Neighborhood Watch organization. A spokesman for the organization has commented that the changes were necessary "in order to reflect the changing attitudes and prevailing opinions that will influence the decision-making of our Neighborhood Watch in the future."

Asshole You Went to School With Wants to Know If You'd Like Extra Lettuce with That

INDIANAPOLIS - Despite spending most of his teen years being an insufferable prick to you and your friends, an asshole you went to school with would now be interested to know if you'd like extra lettuce with that.

Serving you at Jimmy John's Tuesday, the 27-year-old, who routinely used to spit in your hair during 8th grade biology, stated enthusiastically this afternoon that he would be happy to get you some more napkins.

"How's that Slim 2 working out for you?," inquired the part-time server,

Nation's Horses Demand Right to Marry Owners

LEXINGTON, KY - Following yesterday's landmark Supreme Court decision to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act, the nation's horses demanded Thursday the right to marry their owners.

Marriage between members of the Equidae family and homosapiens is not currently recognized by any of the 50 states, though state senators in Alabama are thought to be moving forward with a proposal.