WASHINGTON D.C. - As ten states prepare to hold primary elections in the Republican race for the White House on ‘Super Tuesday’, the rest of human civilization is set to endure ‘just a typical, run-of-the-mill Tuesday’, said sources this morning.
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| Image credit: Flickr. tinali778. Creative Commons. |
While GOP front-runner Mitt Romney prepares to gain a significant lead over party rivals Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul later today, citizens from across the European Union will be sitting down to an evening of television or heading off to bed after a rather ordinary day, which will most likely have been spent slogging away at some okay, but not super, job.
"As super as this Tuesday will be in the United States," said one spokesman, "our friends over in Belgium, France and Germany are just going to have to put up with a pretty unremarkable Tuesday I'm afraid. Lots of clock-watching, lots of muddling through mindless paperwork; you know, that sort of thing. No presidential ballots for them."
Barely fortunate enough to even get through a day without dying of starvation or disease, the people of Zimbabwe are expected to experience a somewhat bleak Tuesday, while many in the Democratic Republic of the Congo will likely not have a Tuesday of any kind, even as the people of the United States enjoy an incomparably fantastic Tuesday at the polls.
"You probably won't see many construction laborers in the city of Mumbai or market traders in Islamabad praising the day of Tuesday," said sources. "To them, it will just be another thankless day of hauling ass under the beating sun for eleven solid hours. But not for voters in Massachussets."
Super Tuesday will see votes cast in ten primaries and/or caucuses across the United States, with a high number of delegates up for grabs in Georgia, Tennessee and Ohio. According to reports, however, the nation of Bolivia will have no say in the destiny of the White House and, like every other country in South America, will likely endure a pretty sub-standard Tuesday of its own.
"Look, just take it as read that the entire planet - bar the U.S. - will not have a super time this Tuesday," continued the report. "The outlook for the rest of the world will range from poor to not too bad, but not in any way divine."
Despite these proclamations, however, it is not yet clear how residents of the 40 other states - those not heading to the polls - will view today as anything other than another piece-of-shit Tuesday.