Kim Jong-un Declares War On Sun

Samuel H Diamond | Monday, December 19, 2011 | | | | Best Blogger Tips

PYONGYANG - The ‘great successor’ to the leadership of North Korea has announced that his first official act will be to begin military proceedings against the Sun. Less than 24 hours after the death of his father Kim Jong-il was announced, Kim Jong-un has officially set his country’s sights upon “destroying the Sun by any means necessary”.

The short statement, released through North Korean state-controlled media, offers little in the way of rationale or motive for the act, prompting intense speculation from analysts.

Senior CNN political correspondent Bill Schneider has theorised that “What we’re seeing here is basic prison mentality. If you’re a newcomer and you don’t want to be anybody’s bitch, you walk straight up and pick a fight with the biggest guy in the yard. Kim Jong-un has just aimed a bit higher.”

Martin Blake, an independent journalist in Seoul, has offered another theory on his blog South of the Order. Jong-un’s Grandfather Kim Il-sung is recorded in North Korean history books as having been the first man to walk on the surface of the sun, with the official account stating that “he had an unpleasant time there, [which is why] North Korea has never revisited [the Sun]”. Blake suggests that this tale may have seeded a deep-rooted suspicion of the sun amongst the North Korean population.

An emergency assembly of the United Nations Security Council today recommended setting up a de-militarized zone (DMZ) between Mercury and Venus to prevent North Korean forces from progressing towards their target. Upon being informed that there was no reported North Korean activity in the sector, the UN declared a job well done and went home early.

Notably, the White House has yet to issue a statement regarding the situation. President Obama’s silence stands in contrast to the strong opinions of his predecessor. In 2003, George W. Bush declared the Sun to be “a ticking time bomb right at the center of our solar system. [It is] the single largest thermonuclear reactor that US intelligence sources have ever discovered and it’s sitting right on our doorstep.” Bush also added “never trust an opponent you can’t look directly in the eye.”

The North Korean war on the Sun may well be a hastily enacted political gambit for a newly-installed leader, but Kim Jong-un’s actions may unexpectedly serve to test the convictions of a Presidential hopeful in 2012. Michelle Bachmann has previously stated her intent to pick up where Bush had left off, stating in an interview earlier this year that “Obama’s soft when it comes to the Sun because he’s afraid of getting burned. The threat that the Sun presents to us isn’t a matter of if, it’s a mater of when. If I’m elected President, then I’ll take action against the Sun and it won’t keep me up at night.”

Image credit: fair use.

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