Dear Dr. Sister,
I am hoping you can help me figure out how to smooth over a small problem I have. Recently, someone snuck into my party and made a recording of me talking to my friends. You know how it is when you're amongst friends, when you're hangin' with your homies; you open up in a way that you wouldn't if you knew you were being recorded. Anyways, I made some little comment about some folks and now those people (about 47% to be precise) are pretty upset with me. I'm not sure how to best appease them and get them thinking I'm a nice guy. Can you help?
Sincerely,
The Stormin' Mormon
I apologize. My 'm' key is finicky. Boy, you've really gotten yourself into a pickle, haven't you? Speaking of pickles...ever tried pickled cauliflower? It's surprisingly delicious. I once ate a whole jar of them and had sores in my mouth for a week! Maybe if you ate a bunch of pickled cauliflower, the same thing would happen to you and the painful sores would keep you from opening your trap. Since you've already managed to screw up, the only thing to do now is put on a stupid-looking mask and run for president. If you win (TEE HEE!), you can hire big burly secret service men to pat down party guests to make sure they aren't hiding any recording devices. Word of note: if you invite Sister Rosemary to a soiree, they'll never find her recorder, but they'll hear it playing. TOOOT TOOOT!
Patriotic Blessings,
Sista
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