Dear Dr. Sister, I Cannot Stand My Brother's Wife

Dear Dr. Sister:

My sister-in-law is driving me bonkers. Any time we get together, she lets me know in every way possible that I'm falling short of her high standards. "Gee, your house looks bigger from the street"; "I wish I could be like you and not care about how I look so I could stop working out so much"; "Of course, I realize that the people in your small town haven't even heard about granite counter-tops, but...". I love my brother and don't want to alienate him, but I'm also afraid that if I hear one more crack I will blow my top! What can I do?

-Steamed in Schererville

My Sweet Steamed,

Your sister-in-law seems like a real jerk. But, let's be honest with ourselves here. Could you make your house a little bigger? Maybe consider an addition? Are you working out? Doing the best that you can? Staying fit? Wearing make-up when you know she's coming over? And, I'd just like to add that the convent got new granite counter-tops last weekend and they look fabulous! Or, better yet...screw her. Have a glass of wine, enjoy your easy-to-heat house, sweatpants and ugly face. Cheers!

Catholically Yours,

Sista

Dear Dr. Sister, I Opened My Big Mouth And Offended A Bunch Of People. Help!

Dear Dr. Sister,

I am hoping you can help me figure out how to smooth over a small problem I have.  Recently, someone snuck into my party and made a recording of me talking to my friends.  You know how it is when you're amongst friends, when you're hangin' with your homies; you open up in a way that you wouldn't if you knew you were being recorded.  Anyways, I made some little comment about some folks and now those people (about 47% to be precise) are pretty upset with me.  I'm not sure how to best appease them and get them thinking I'm a nice guy.  Can you help?  

Sincerely,

The Stormin' Mormon

My Sweet Stormin' Moron,

I apologize. My 'm' key is finicky. Boy, you've really gotten yourself into a pickle, haven't you? Speaking of pickles...ever tried pickled cauliflower? It's surprisingly delicious. I once ate a whole jar of them and had sores in my mouth for a week! Maybe if you ate a bunch of pickled cauliflower, the same thing would happen to you and the painful sores would keep you from opening your trap. Since you've already managed to screw up, the only thing to do now is put on a stupid-looking mask and run for president. If you win (TEE HEE!), you can hire big burly secret service men to pat down party guests to make sure they aren't hiding any recording devices. Word of note: if you invite Sister Rosemary to a soiree, they'll never find her recorder, but they'll hear it playing. TOOOT TOOOT!

Patriotic Blessings,

Sista

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Dear Dr. Sister, I Have Crooked Teeth and Cannot Get Guys to Like Me

Dear Dr. Sister,

I am a single woman of "a certain age". All of my life, I have suffered with crooked teeth. My front teeth protrude far out of my mouth and I can not close my mouth without them sticking out. My biological clock is ticking and I would really like to meet a gentleman and settle down. What do you suggest?

Signed,
Denise in Indianapolis


My lovely Buckwild,

I am sorry to hear of your dental mishaps. Further, I'm sorry that your parents didn't love you enough to put braces on your chompers. Since you seem too dense to pursue orthodonitics, might I suggest lowering your standards? Perhaps you are pursuing men too far out of your league? If your bar is set low enough and you're still not meeting a suitable partner, ask that your next blind date take you out for a corn-on-the-cob. Surely, this will allow you to showcase a skill set. If that isn't in your bag of tricks, maybe show him how you floss with your mouth closed. If all else fails, learn how to wittle with your teeth. Every man loves a nice beaver.

Yours in God,
Sista

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