Dear Dr. Sister, I Cannot Stand My Brother's Wife

Dear Dr. Sister:

My sister-in-law is driving me bonkers. Any time we get together, she lets me know in every way possible that I'm falling short of her high standards. "Gee, your house looks bigger from the street"; "I wish I could be like you and not care about how I look so I could stop working out so much"; "Of course, I realize that the people in your small town haven't even heard about granite counter-tops, but...". I love my brother and don't want to alienate him, but I'm also afraid that if I hear one more crack I will blow my top! What can I do?

-Steamed in Schererville

My Sweet Steamed,

Your sister-in-law seems like a real jerk. But, let's be honest with ourselves here. Could you make your house a little bigger? Maybe consider an addition? Are you working out? Doing the best that you can? Staying fit? Wearing make-up when you know she's coming over? And, I'd just like to add that the convent got new granite counter-tops last weekend and they look fabulous! Or, better yet...screw her. Have a glass of wine, enjoy your easy-to-heat house, sweatpants and ugly face. Cheers!

Catholically Yours,

Sista

Dear Dr. Sister, I Opened My Big Mouth And Offended A Bunch Of People. Help!

Dear Dr. Sister,

I am hoping you can help me figure out how to smooth over a small problem I have.  Recently, someone snuck into my party and made a recording of me talking to my friends.  You know how it is when you're amongst friends, when you're hangin' with your homies; you open up in a way that you wouldn't if you knew you were being recorded.  Anyways, I made some little comment about some folks and now those people (about 47% to be precise) are pretty upset with me.  I'm not sure how to best appease them and get them thinking I'm a nice guy.  Can you help?  

Sincerely,

The Stormin' Mormon

My Sweet Stormin' Moron,

I apologize. My 'm' key is finicky. Boy, you've really gotten yourself into a pickle, haven't you? Speaking of pickles...ever tried pickled cauliflower? It's surprisingly delicious. I once ate a whole jar of them and had sores in my mouth for a week! Maybe if you ate a bunch of pickled cauliflower, the same thing would happen to you and the painful sores would keep you from opening your trap. Since you've already managed to screw up, the only thing to do now is put on a stupid-looking mask and run for president. If you win (TEE HEE!), you can hire big burly secret service men to pat down party guests to make sure they aren't hiding any recording devices. Word of note: if you invite Sister Rosemary to a soiree, they'll never find her recorder, but they'll hear it playing. TOOOT TOOOT!

Patriotic Blessings,

Sista

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Dear Dr. Sister, My Boyfriend Plays With His Dandruff and It's Disgusting

Dear Dr. Sister:

I've been dating a wonderful man for the last 3 months. He's intelligent, kind, witty, has a great job making a very good salary, devotes time and money to worthwhile charities, wants children (one day), loves me to distraction, and is a tremendous lover. I should be in seventh heaven.

However, he has a certain personal habit that really bothers me. Whether we're alone together or out in public, he will scratch his scalp, then examine the fingernail that did the scratching (it will be filled with soap residue and flakes...yes, he has a dandruff problem). With the pinky fingernail on his other hand, he scrapes the residue out from beneath his nail and propels it onto the floor with a rapid brushing of his fingertips. He does this constantly, wherever we may be, and I'll be honest: I find it revolting.

It's enough to give me serious second thoughts about him, and the relationship. But I wonder whether I'm being too picky, too superficial. What do you think? Can I truly find happiness with a man who is constantly grooming himself in this manner?

Signed,

Perplexed in Peru

My Precious Perplexed,

Father Henry used to do this until we super-glued a swim cap to his head. Might I suggest a similar solution?  I'd suggest a flowery swim cap. I think those are so cute! I used to have one until Sister Rosemary ate mine. She has pica and eats rubber. We haven't been able to go anywhere in months because she ate all of the tires on our bus (it's a short bus-smaller tires). She's an idiot. If you find men in swim caps sexually unattractive, wait until he falls asleep and file all of his fingernails to a point. I'd suggest you just cut them off, but it seems like this moron needs to learn the hard way. While you're at it, paint them pink. 

Word To Your Mother Superior,

Sista

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Dear Dr. Sister, My Girlfriend Gets Jealous When I Hang Out, Have Sex with Other Girls

Dear Dr. Sister,

I've been dating this great girl for about eight months. Everything's terrific, except for this one area. She gets super jealous whenever I hang out with any of my female friends. And have sex with them. I mean, I keep trying to tell her it doesn't mean anything, that these girls and I are just hanging out, maybe watching a movie and talking, you know, and then giving our bodies over to wild, animal passion. Like you would with any close buddy, you know? That with her it's wonderful, beautiful lovemaking and with these other girls it's just two friends hanging out, palling around, writhing and moaning in savage ecstasy. But she just doesn't get it. What can I do?

Sincerely,

Hen-Pecked in Hagerstown

My Precious Hen-Pecked,

Sorry to hear you can't keep your schwantz in your bloomers. I understand the need to "spread your seed". I planted a garden once with Sister Rosemary. She insisted on planting rosemary...get it? I digress. I see no reason why your lady should be getting upset. Unfortunately as Millard Filmore once said, some "chicks ain't fit for hoes and tricks." I don't think that's verbatim, but you get the point. Also, that reminds me...we need a new hoe for the convent. Sister Rosemary stepped on it while we were gardening and snapped it in half (she's a heavier-set gal). Lolz! Good luck and God Speed.

Blessings,

Sista

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Dear Dr. Sister, I Have Crooked Teeth and Cannot Get Guys to Like Me

Dear Dr. Sister,

I am a single woman of "a certain age". All of my life, I have suffered with crooked teeth. My front teeth protrude far out of my mouth and I can not close my mouth without them sticking out. My biological clock is ticking and I would really like to meet a gentleman and settle down. What do you suggest?

Signed,
Denise in Indianapolis


My lovely Buckwild,

I am sorry to hear of your dental mishaps. Further, I'm sorry that your parents didn't love you enough to put braces on your chompers. Since you seem too dense to pursue orthodonitics, might I suggest lowering your standards? Perhaps you are pursuing men too far out of your league? If your bar is set low enough and you're still not meeting a suitable partner, ask that your next blind date take you out for a corn-on-the-cob. Surely, this will allow you to showcase a skill set. If that isn't in your bag of tricks, maybe show him how you floss with your mouth closed. If all else fails, learn how to wittle with your teeth. Every man loves a nice beaver.

Yours in God,
Sista

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