Study Finds Earth May Once Have Harbored Intelligent Life

BOSTON, MA - A 5-year study carried out by Harvard University's Geological department has determined that, at some point in its relatively recent history, the planet Earth likely supported intelligent life.

Analysis drawn from a collection of rock samples taken from our home planet's equator has revealed traces of water dating back 20 years, prompting theories that advanced lifeforms - capable of cognitive behavior, intelligent discourse and logical debate - once existed on Earth.


"We're fairly confident that our findings could go a long way to proving that the planet was not always populated by blood-sucking parasites, the like of which we currently find, for example, in our nation's congress," said lead researcher Allison Mijatovic. "There is mounting evidence to suggest that these sentient beings were advanced enough to understand the value of gratitude and perspective."

While scientists agree that such lifeforms were still exceptionally rare on the planet's surface even two decades ago, further research has been funded to determine what could have caused their complete extinction, which is estimated to have gradually taken place on or around the year 2001.