Matthew Gryffon, 46, died at Community North Hospital—where
he was well known by the staff—on August 22 of twenty distinct kinds of
poisoning, fifty-three types of cancer, and eighty-nine of the world’s most
rare and exotic infectious diseases. Per Mr. Gryffon’s will, services will take place at the Burley-Thatcher Funeral Parlor because they don’t do the embalming on
site so callers won’t be breathing any of those dangerous fumes, and because
they always have a good supply of hand sanitizer in the parlor and that really
good anti-bacterial soap in the restrooms. It is also a strict provision of Mr.
Gryffon’s will that his obituary include the words “I told you so.”
