WESTCHESTER, NY - Despite inevitable conspiracy theories to the contrary, an FBI agent heading up a preliminary investigation into the apparent suicide of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s estranged wife Mary Kennedy believes that Mrs Kennedy may have acted alone.
"The rope we found Mrs Kennedy hanging from is consistent with similar cases in which the victim herself plotted and carried out the conspiracy. We are ruling out a second person at this time."
Agent Howard points to Mrs Kennedy's behavior in the days leading up to her death, charging that the troubled green campaigner had supplied alcohol and drug concoctions to herself, in an effort to combat depression.
"There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that she was the lone assailant," he continued. "Forensics are going to determine the validity of the suicide note found at the scene, which was signed by Mrs Kennedy herself. Again, we think beyond reasonable doubt that Mary Kennedy was responsible for killing Mary Kennedy."
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists insist that Mrs Kennedy was in fact murdered by elements within the CIA, who it is believed "haven't knocked off a Kennedy in years."