Hausmann, originally of Columbus, IN, is installed in every position of responsibility in the city, officially holding such titles as Mayor, Chief of Police, Treasurer, Curator of the Hausmann Natural History Museum and Deputy Fashion Editor of the local newspaper.
Hausmann’s unusual situation was brought to light when he found himself booked on a single edition of an Illinois public-access talk show in 14 different segments. “I originally planned to go ahead with the show,” said Hausmann in an exclusive interview with the Tribune, “but I grew concerned with the fact that there are no minority community members in any positions of power in Hausville, which, let’s face it, makes me look a bit racist.”
The full history of Hausville has yet to be told, but Hausmann’s potted version of events gives some insight into how this city came to be: “Well, when I turned thirty I had a very early mid-life crisis and realised I absolutely hated my life as a realtor. I quit my job, severed all ties and took the money I’d made from the housing boom and bought myself this generous plot of land, intending to go self-sufficient with a ranch or a farm or something.”
“I did my homework and discovered that I could get a huge annual tax break if my property housed a church of a certain size. Great, huh? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about giving back to the little guy, but I was doing the whole self-sufficiency, go-it-yourself thing, you know? Why should I give to a government I had no intention of taking anything from? The only catch was that in order to justify having this large place of worship, you needed a suitably-sized local community. So, with my own two hands, I built the church and a couple dozen houses I could fill with my community of one.”
It was only then, claims Hausmann, that things got difficult, “I realised you can’t just have the houses and the church, there needed to be amenities like stores and school facilities or the whole thing was just going to look crazy. Things just logically grew from there.” Growth which included the establishment of public services and even local government to make Jeff’s fiction a reality.
The biannual mayoral elections were particularly taxing, confided Hausmann "I probably set myself more work by insisting that candidates could hold office for no longer than two years before standing for re-election, but I felt it was democratically important that I held myself to account. The person of this city wouldn't stand for the possibility of corruption any more than I would."
"I admit that I was nervous on election night as the vote rolled in, but I can confidently state that the right man won. And I was very gracious in my concession speech, giving myself all the credit for my victory and the incredible achievement of winning over 100% of the voter."
Investigations into the dozens of criminal charges against Hausmann are ongoing, including multiple counts of fraud, tax evasion and ‘astonishingly huge numbers’ of building code violations. However, Hausmann has indicated that he isn’t sweating the details, claiming that Illinois Governor Pat Quinn is 'an old drinking buddy of the Hausville Head of Sanitation'.
Article by Samuel H Diamond
Image credit: Flickr, wjarrettc. Creative commons.