That Girl You Had That Crush On In High School, approximately your age, died November 12 at her home in The City She Moved To Which Is Why You Haven't Seen Her In So Long. Known for being far too stunningly, mind-numbingly beautiful to allow you to concentrate on Mr. Jenkins' third period world history class and for whispering snide comments about Mr. Jenkins' ties in the most honey-toned voice you have ever heard in your life, That Girl You Had That Crush On In High School had suffered for the past several years from a heart condition related to the morbid obesity that had replaced the lithe, graceful form that was seared into your memory five mornings a week and to the smoking habit that had caused her once-dulcet voice to sound like a cross between Carol Channing, Harvey Fierstein, and a rusty chainsaw. She is survived by her husband, That Schlub From The Rival High School You Can't Believe She Married, and however many children they had. You were quoted for this report as saying, "Man, I'm old."
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