INTERVIEW: Santa Talks Summertime, Mrs Claus and Retirement

In a rare exclusive, we tracked down Santa Claus enjoying his summertime in The North Pole. Here's how it went down. 


IT - Welcome, Santa. Now, it's not often that we get to hear from you during the summer months. How is the North Pole this time of year?

SANTA CLAUS - Summer can be a difficult time at the North Pole. Our production levels tend to drop during July and August, as many of the elves take vacation time during those months. There's also the issue of morale; people aren't thinking about Christmas in July and August. We often feel forgotten way up there in the North Pole. It can be hard to keep everyone jolly and productive. Depression rates tend to increase, job performance decreases. It's tough.

IT - Wow, that sounds awful. Do you get a lot of time to spend with Mrs Claus?

SANTA CLAUS - My days are long; after a full day at the workshop, making toys and lists and checking in to see who's being naughty and who's being nice, by the time I get home I just want to be left alone. I usually fall asleep in front of the TV at night, then head up to bed around 1. It doesn't leave a whole lot of time for romance with Mrs. Claus, but I think after 482 years of marriage, she's used to it.

IT - Speaking of not having much downtime, it must be a real challenge getting around to every house on Christmas Eve. How do you remember so many directions?

SANTA CLAUS - I leave that to the reindeer. Rudolph and Blitzen head up the Navigational Operations Unit. Truthfully, now that we have GPS, their roles are more symbolic than anything, but it's important that the other reindeer see them as leaders.

IT - Now you mentioned Rudolph there. It is widely understood that Rudolph was once the subject of ridicule among the other reindeer. Is it true that you had to talk him out of filing a workplace discrimination lawsuit?

SANTA CLAUS - My attorney has advised me not to speak publicly on the matter.

IT - Then I shall move on. Phil from Lafayette asked on Twitter, how do you enter houses that don't have chimneys?

SANTA CLAUS - That's a great question, Phil. By the way, I saw what you did with Debbie in the copy room last Tuesday, and you should know you've been moved to the Naughty List. But to answer your question, I find that most homes are pretty easy to break into. You'd be surprised how easy it is to either find the spare key in the front yard or jimmy open a window.

IT - Have you ever considered retirement?

SANTA CLAUS - Every now and then, when the elves are complaining that we don't offer a dental plan, or I find out the reindeer are betting on the Reindeer Games, or Mrs. Claus stops baking me cookies because she doesn't want to let my suit pants out again, I envision myself sitting on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean, served fruity drinks by some babe in a bikini. I do get burned out, like everyone else. But when all is said and done, I love my job.

Plus, the sleigh is really a sweet ride, but it's a company vehicle, so to retire would mean to turn over the keys. I'll never do that; they'll have to pry those puppies out of my cold, dead hands.

IT - And finally, which screen actor has been most accurate in their portrayal of you, Mr Claus?

SANTA CLAUS - I really enjoyed Richard Attenborough's portrayal of me in that movie where the dinosaurs came to the North Pole and ate Jeff Goldblum. I thought he looked just like me. I was very impressed.

IT - Mr Claus, thank you.