Corporation Now Firing

INDIANAPOLIS - The city's employment figures were tweaked Friday, as Corporate Technology Services (CTS) - an established call center corporation on the westside of Indianapolis - revealed that it is now firing.

Expected to begin the firing process in earnest on Monday, the company is looking to increase joblessness by upward of 10%.

"We're very excited about moving backward as a company," said CTS President, Deborah Challis. "Our number one goal from day one has been to have the highest job turnover rate in the country and by January 2013 we project we'll be well on course to achieve that goal."

The company, which touts itself as "an equal opportunity firer", has made steady strides within the fiscal year toward reaching its projected goal of 500 cutbacks and is hopeful that it can more than double this by the second quarter of next year.

"With every new face that goes out of our doors, we as a company move ever nearer to fulfilling the targets set out by our board of directors," continued Challis. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a one-on-one firing session with Linda from accounts."

Image credit: Flickr, Victor1558

Occupy Protester Really Thought Corporations Would Have Gotten The Message By Now

NEW YORK, NY - Turning out on a cold November morning to continue the collective protest against corporate greed, Occupy Wall Street protester Mark Fallon admitted today that he really thought America's most corrupt financial institutions would have gotten the message and changed their ways by now.

Holding up a pro-unions sign, Mr Fallon - an unemployed former office administrator - said he couldn't believe the lack of response from America's so-called 1% to the ongoing Occupy Protests.

"It's pretty strange," said the 33-year-old Albany resident. "I've been standing on these streets for over two months and not one CEO has tendered his resignation or offered to take a substantial pay cut as a result of our protests. It's as if we're not getting through to them or something."

Despite shouting daily, impassioned anti-corporate slogans through a bullhorn and generally marching outside offices on Wall Street, Fallon has yet to see a single shred of evidence that the country's unemployment situation is going to improve any time soon.

"I even made this one sign that said "if education is so important, why are there no jobs?" But have we received once answer to this question from a multi-billion dollar company? No, sir."

"I just don't get it," he continued. "You'd think that a banker or someone would have at least taken one look at our October 21st protest and been, like: "okay, I'm just being totally greedy; I should donate 75% of my salary to the poor." Just something, you know?"

Meanwhile, Mr Fallon has hinted that he may well just give up on the whole demonstration thing pretty soon if somebody doesn't just shut down the Federal Reserve already.      

Image credit: Flickr. jastro75. Creative Commons.