Noted film director and producer Michael Bay, 47, died January 12 in his Los Angeles home. Bay, whose films include Bad Boys I & II, Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, the Transformers franchise, and other beloved modern classics of American cinema, reportedly died quietly in his sleep. Every identifiable shred of Bay's body was not obliterated by thunderous explosions that did not send colossal fireballs blossoming high into the impossibly orange-tinted Los Angeles sky. Polished luxury SUVs did not perform slow-motion somersaults over one another into onrushing traffic on the Vincent Thomas Bridge, and Bay was not thereby crushed under tons of twisted steel and shattered glass. His death was marked by a complete lack of gargantuan alien invaders incinerating him with their incomprehensibly advanced weaponry that did not in fact reduce the famed Bradbury Building and its surrounding downtown environs to a hellish flaming ruin. No cataclysmic natural disaster brought the Griffith Observatory collapsing onto Bay's head, and he was not smashed to a pulp under tons of shattered concrete, steel, and marble. No, Bay--by all accounts a relatively young and relatively fit man--nevertheless died peacefully and without so much as disturbing his impeccably-pressed Italian linen sheets. Funeral arrangements are pending, but sources close to the project have leaked that it will be held at the El Mirage dry lake bed, that I Am Number Four auteur D. J. Caruso is attached to direct, and that five different pyrotechnic teams have been brought in. Bay's Platinum Dunes production company reportedly plans to release Funeral Deadly Funeral in the summer of 2014.
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