IT: Curiosity, thank you for taking time out of your busy, robotic life to talk to The Tribune. Two months ago today, you set foot (or should I say wheel?) on the surface of Mars. Have you been lonely, and if so, how have you coped?
CURIOSITY: Lonely? Naw, man, I ain't lonely. I got probes in places you can't even imagine. These NASA dudes are into some seriously freaky shit. They watch everything I do. If I roll three inches to the left, they all like, "hey! What do you think you're doing?" If I blurp instead of beep, they start running all these diagnostic tests and some shit. Can't a guy just blurp in peace? I can't get a moment of privacy. I don't have time to be lonely.
IT: Wow, that's surprising, given that you're on Martian time. So it sounds like your bosses in Houston like to micro-manage you. This aside, would you say that, on the whole, you like your job?
CURIOSITY: You know what, this job is boring as fuck. All day long it's, "ooooh, pick up that rock, Curiosity!" or "ooooh, take another picture of the Earth, Curiosity!" When I found out I was going to Mars, I was like, "YES! I've got me some mad Martian-fighting skills, I am ready to serve my country!" Have you seen War of the Worlds? I was prepared to save the planet. Instead, do you know what I did today? I sifted sand for eight hours. Eight hours! I haven't had a single Martian battle yet.
IT: That must be really frustrating. Well, now that you know what you know, do you think Mars will ever be an ideal place for humans to inhabit?
CURIOSITY: Nah, this place is all dirt and rocks and dust. You humans, you like your oceans and your Christmas trees and your oil. Nothing to destroy here, y'all better stick with Earth.
IT: Well, at least it only cost 2.5bn for you to tell us that. Now, a little bird tells me that you've been active on the social media site, Twitter. In what ways does Twitter help you connect with your fans? That question comes from Felicity on Twitter.
CURIOSITY: Oh yeah, I love Twitter, it keeps me connected with what's going on back on Earth. So while I'm all up here sifting sand and shit, I can still know whether or not Rhianna's sleeping with Chris Brown, I can follow my fantasy football team, I can see who's got a sex tape out this week. It's like a little bit of home.
IT: Many of our readers will be surprised to hear that you're so down with popular culture. You mentioned earlier War of the Worlds: before setting off on the mission, were you inspired by any other Mars-related books, films or stories?
CURIOSITY: I don't often talk about my spiritual side, but I do believe that, in a past life, I was an arcade-sized Space Invaders game. So I have always felt a deep desire to protect my loved ones, and the nation, and the universe, against Martians. Except for that Marvin the Martian guy from Looney Tunes. He's okay.
IT: As you're navigating the surface of Aeolis Palus, do you ever stop for a moment, look around, and think: "screw this: I'm taking going to conquer Mars on my own."?
CURIOSITY: Every now and then, I'll be standing there on Mars, all lonely, looking out at the universe, the stars and the moon and the Earth, all beautiful and quiet and still. And I suddenly think to myself, "You know? I could blow all you motherfuckers away if I just had a big enough bomb." But then the NASA dudes are all chirping in my ear like, "Curiosity, that's not nice" or "Does someone need their C89-L tube relplaced?" which, you know, is just humiliating, because I've been taking care of my own C89-L tube since before that asshole could program his DVR.
IT: And finally, because I know it's late where you are, if you actually found existence of actual life on Mars, how could we trust that you wouldn't just keep that knowledge to yourself?
CURIOSITY: Huh, you mean, like keep a little Martian pet? And then maybe sneak it back to Earth and sell it for like a gajillion dollars or something? Man, the thought has crossed my mind. But those NASA creepers man, they watch everything I do. You think a security check at the airport is bad? The TSA's got nothing on NASA.
IT: Curiosity, thank you.
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