His new appearance, which is a radical departure from nearly two hundred years of tradition, surprised onlookers and colleagues, many of whom reacted with confusion, discomfort, and general concern for the Father of Christmas' well-being.
"It doesn’t do much for me, be honest with you" said Dapple Minstix, 247, a longtime associate of Mr. Claus. "I don't think it very much evokes the spirit of Christmas or the work we do here. Maybe the stress is finally getting to him."
Eschewing the well-known red coat, jolly wool cap, and white-cuffed mittens of years past, Mr. Claus’ new ensemble is decidedly more stripped-down, consisting of an over-sized American flag, duct-tape bandolier, and home-made aluminum shin guards, the latter of which, according to Mr. Claus, are intended for the purpose of "repelling gremlin assassins."
He has also shaved his head and beard. “It scares the pepperberries off me,” said Poofer Tallysprinkle, who has lived at the North Pole his entire life. “Especially this shirtless business,” he continued. “It’s more apocalyptic rape gang chic than it is ‘ho, ho, ho,’ if you want my opinion. Maybe that flies on the West Coast, but it’s wholly inappropriate here. And terrifying.”
“I can’t help but think this has something to do with the strain of making presents for seven billion people,” commented Tickle Snappletooty, a dishwasher in the Workshop commissary. “I overheard him say just last week that it would be plenty fine with him if people took a minute and stopped fucking.”
When asked what he thought of Mr. Claus’ new look, Mr. Snappletooty responded “Take it from Ticky,” and commenced to point at his own head while rotating his finger and whistling. In his surprise announcement, Mr. Claus also stated that he would be revising the time-honored ‘naughty and nice’ lists, which would now consist of four demarcations: pestilence, war, famine, and death.
“Well, I guess I hope I’m on the War List,” said Carrington Bosworth, 6, a visitor to Santa’s workshop and needy orphan. “The other ones don't sound so great." Image credit: creative commons.