Report: Team USA Outsourcing 30% of Its Medals to China

LONDON - Reaching a mutual agreement with overseas executives Tuesday, The United States Olympic Committee has thrashed out a deal that will see 30% of Team USA's Olympic medals outsourced to China.

The deal was first brought into the public eye after reports that Team China had themselves landed gold medals in the women's 48kg and 58kg weightlifting events, and later in two diving events, which were once dominated by the USA.

"Those were events that, in an ideal world, we would loved to have won ourselves," said USOC Chief Executive Officer Stephanie Streeter. "But economically, we had to make a decision. Should we just blow off the weightlifting, diving and archery events for one more year and just go and have a solid outing at swimming. It was truly a no-brainer."

According to the most recent figures extracted from the official London 2012 medals table, China and The United States boast an equally large medal haul, however, China's collection of gold medals outnumbered that of The United States by 9 to 4, a fact over which American sports enthusiasts have voiced widespread disapproval.

"This is totally unacceptable," said table tennis fanatic Michelle Galloway. "For decades, we've had to stand by and watch China take medals that quite frankly belong around the necks of American athletes."

"It's about time we started producing medals and medalists right here in America, rather than allowing Beijing to continue their Olympic agenda."

Image: gregbaker

Local Man Seems Just A Little Too Into Archery

INDIANAPOLIS - Sitting down with his family to watch the opening rounds of the Olympic Games Friday, Indianapolis resident Damien Fenhurst was just a little too into archery, say sources.

Displaying an inordinate degree of interest in the skill and craftsmanship of the competitors on show, the 39-year-old was seen staring intently at the television screen, intermittently uttering phrases like "just look at how he nocks that arrow" and "I really want to learn how to aim like that."

According to his wife Lucy and two children Brian and Michelle, a glazed over Mr Fenhurst watched in awe, as South Korean archer Im dong-Hyun smashed the world record in Men's Archery, insisting "wow, he really nailed that bad boy."

Mass Genocide in Syria Covered Up By The Olympics

NEW YORK, NY - According to various sources, a case of mass genocide in Syria - in which 3,000 people were slaughtered by pro-government forces Friday - was successfully covered up by the media's overwhelming coverage of the Olympic Games.

It is believed that hundreds of armed security guards, loyal to President Bashar al-Assad, took to the streets early Friday to halt a large-scale demonstration in Damascus, though sources in New York claim the resulting deaths were kept quiet by the adorable, televised presence of London 2012 mascots Wenlock and Mandeville.

"We have reasonable cause to believe that NBC, ESPN and possibly the BBC were complicit in a widescale cover-up, in which they used lies, deception and the enduring image of David Beckham holding aloft the torch of the Olympiad to mask the atrocities in Damascus," said New York Times journalist, Des Waters. "Obviously details of the bloodshed are difficult to determine at this time, such is the widespread media fascination with all things Olympics, but more will likely be known in the coming months."


Experts believe that information may be prized into the public domain once interest in the Olympics begins to wane. Historically, this has coincided with the introduction of weightlifting.

"Rest assured, there will be a thorough investigation into the tragic events in Syria," said UN Secretary-General Ban Ki Moon. "If looped footage of Michael Phelps waving at the crowd aided elements within the al-Assad regime, then we will seriously consider imposing sanctions on the television networks involved."
     
It is believed that past show-pieces may have been an accomplice to the Olympics live feed, with coverage of this year's Super Bowl being indicted for "discouraging a public, internet-driven discussion" into the ongoing turmoil in Syria.

For more news on the 2012 Olympics, click here, or join the discussion on Twitter by using the hashtag #indytribuneolympics.

INTERVIEW: Former Olympic Gold Medalist Mary Lou Retton Talks Leotards, Medals and Drugs

This week, The Indy Tribune sat down with former gymnast and Olympic gold medalist, Mary Lou Retton to get her thoughts on a variety of issues ahead of the Olympics in London. Here's how it all went down.

Opening Ceremonies to Switch to 'Hunger Games' Format

LONDON – The International Olympic Committee (IOC) today announced plans to dramatically alter the usual format of the Opening Ceremonies, moving away from the traditional vibe of peace and goodwill and opting instead for a Hunger Games-style fight to the death.  The committee responsible for organizing the Opening Ceremonies, which will be held this upcoming Friday, claims the move was made to attract viewers and boost ratings.

Olympics Security Downgraded to Single Horse

LONDON, UK - The British Home Office has revealed that, owing to a contractual oversight, the security force for the 2012 Olympics - which opens in London this Friday - has been downgraded to a single horse called Shadow.

It had initially been agreed between the London 2012 Organizing Committee and security firm G4S that over 10,000 guards would be provided for the duration of the Games. However, this figure was more than halved last week and today was reduced to a lone Andalusian mare.

"We were not aware of the extent to which these staffing problems had escalated," said the UK's Home Secretary, Theresa May. "We could have coped with maybe four-thousand or so guards, but today's news has the potential to present serious security concerns."

"That said, Shadow has quite a kick on her."

The horse will be singularly tasked with the job of remaining vigilant throughout the Games, which, in years past, has routinely been pinpointed as a potential target for terrorists.

Despite this, however, Shadow herself remains confident that the Olympics - which was awarded to London one day before the London bombings in 2005 - will be a huge success, insisting "neigh".

"... ", she continued, Monday.